What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do
From Esther's blog. Wow. Sometimes I think if she's lovesick. But, really, you couldn't tell. After all it was a blog. The beautiful things she puts in her blog are just like little moments of escape from where we are every day.
I sat and stoned. And in my confusion, while I watched my mum fall asleep waiting for her boss to call her, I let tears roll down. It seems like I just lost my direction. I don't know what I'm mugging for. I have no idea what I'm doing.
And unfortunately, the Singaporean answer is seeping into me -- exams.
I wonder if the education system has robbed me of a future I could call happy. A future where I can still wander in a field full of sunflowers. It sounds pretty childish, but after years and years of education, I begin to realise, society terms a happy and bright future as you walking among a field of thousand-dollar notes. You couldn't survive just being happy.
You're mugging a-third of your life away destroying a pretty future. :( Maybe we all define happiness differently.
When people ask me about my future, I don't know what to say, and immediately, my smile disappears and along with it I myself want to disappear. I KNOW I am so sheltered that if I take merely a step outside, I'm as good as dead. I'm those kind of person who mugs merely to keep up with others' expectations of me. MUGGING is probably the only thing I can do. When the mugging is over and done with, I'm as good as useless.
I don't remember how it feels like to dream of being a florist or a novelist. Because right now, I don't know what I'm dreaming of.