I was browsing randomly in the school library today, taking a break from reading Great Expectations, when I wandered into the Philosophy/Psychology corner, and this book caught my eye:
Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety & Phobia
Guess what. I'm suffering from an anxiety disorder called Social Phobia. This is the explanation for so many things I've blogged about. It's what made me embarrassed to admit what I did because I had no idea that this disorder existed.
Naturally, I borrowed the book.
What really caught me was not the title, but what was written on the back of the cover:
If you suffer from social anxiety or social phobia, you may avoid eating in front of others, writing in public, using public restrooms, performing on stage, dating, taking tests, or speaking in public.
All of the above apply to me.
That's why I've always come up with the stupid excuse of not being hungry. Now you know why. It's really embarrassing to tell your friends you are afraid of eating in public so I lied. I was hungry, but I didn't feel comfortable eating outside.
If you ask me to change, you cannot simply click your fingers and snap at me, "You must change." And tell me a whole load of wisdom words and frighten me. It doesn't work this way. I don't really mind if the change comes slowly. I'm not Murakami Shingo, I cannot am unwilling to push myself to cause a BIG change.
How can you tell me to change when you don't know the solution to this...
17% of these disorder patients are later diagnosed with Panic Disorder.
But I think I can safely say I'm not one of them.
It's still hard for me to express myself recently.
And why does the alarm always have to sound whenever I borrow a book from the library?!