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panic disorder-

2005'12.31
If I continue listening to Domoto Tsuyoshi's songs any longer, I think when school reopens, you'll see a depressed Sylvia. But I can't help it. Darn the Rosso E Azzurro album with not even the Japanese lyrics. I grew to appreciate the Panic Disorder track suddenly. Tsuyoshi expressed how going through panic disorder feels like.

"Panic disorder is characterized by un-expected and repeated episodes of intense fear accompanied by physical symptoms that may include chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness or abdominal distress. These sensations often mimic symptoms of a heart attack or other life-threatening medical conditions. As a result, the diagnosis of panic disorder is frequently not made until extensive and costly medical procedures fail to provide a correct diagnosis or relief." [source]


Tsuyoshi was diagnosed as a panic disorder patient.

And somehow reading more about Tsuyoshi made me feel that I am an ungrateful kid. Tsuyoshi's life seems pretty depressing. (As all his composed songs are.) And I am having such a good life here. I am so well-sheltered.

But I feel like I have no talent. Which makes me feel useless because I am sheltered and talent-less, which means I am like a useless person, desho?

And I got surprised when after I read about Tsuyoshi, I got so depressed that I was staring into space when I ate, and worst of all, the Panic Disorder song was pounding in my head!

Then I FINALLY watched Last Present this morning. Tsuyoshi always takes on a whole variety of characters in dramas, and no matter which character he takes, he plays that role well.

What do you classify as a typical teenager blog? I don't want to think mine is, but I guess it is after all. (Because I fangirl and complain a lot!) If not... It's something more childish than teenage-blogging. xDDD GAKI!! xD

When I read back on my entries, I feel like a baka haha. I don't want to fangirl Domoto Tsuyoshi. I want to admire him for his work. I think I keep getting out of point, so never mind.

And a lot of times I realise I want to break down and cry when I write in my diary, but when I blog, it feels so superficial na! Yappari, no matter how I may attempt at exposing myself, I can't. Curious. Both are my own areas to pour out anything or rant but I can be so different on both.

It's not going to be the same next year. I am afraid of 2006.

Random, I heard someone say at our age we love to write depressing writings. ^^;

When I look at KAT-TUN, they look different to me now. When I look at NEWS they look different too. Who are they? And like most teenage blogs have...

I feel like I can't run anymore, and I'm letting the others run past me. Everything whizzes past me.

But maybe it isn't that bad. Maybe I can smile when I have my own solitude and silence. Isn't that what I want? Yes and no...

I admire Tsuyoshi for being able to come up with weird styles and tastes, but not being afraid to show the audience. He's not afraid to let people see his differences, because that's who he is. I want to be like that. I don't want to be so affected by the glances of others. I don't want to be put down just because I was insulted.

I realised what kind of image I gave people back in secondary school. A STUDY FREAK. I'm sorry, but if you strongly believe I was one, you're wrong, and I don't see the point in being friends with you. Yes I always bring up old bad memories. I am such a person. Maybe I kept too much space for these bad memories such that I don't have enough space for academics.

They used to think that during O Levels I RAN home because I was what they called kiasu (yes that is the exact word, but I don't want to say who told his friends that when I ran home, in case some similar case of me badmouthing anyone leaks), and I wanted to score 100 for my Pyhsics. That wasn't the case. I ran home to see my grandma because she was dead, you asshole.

Appearances are just something to play with after all. I can come to school looking like a nerd on Monday and come on Tuesday to be an Ah Lian. It's only a matter of which face you want to show the people out there. You can play people around until they don't know who you really are.

Change of topic... One by one they are leaving me. I am not supposed to be sad unless I am afraid that we might not be "friends" anymore. Maybe you can call that 'not-yet-100-percent' secure friendship? That is being honest, not being mean. Maybe it's just that I put it in a bad-sounding way. I haven't been in contact with so many Secondary School mates.

I want to write a letter. But for the past month nobody has sent me a letter... Tegami wa nai desu. :(

A sudden urge to draw something depressing. This is the signal to stop listening to Domoto Tsuyoshi!!
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