Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled,for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure,that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure meof what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-- of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
-Charles C. FinnSeptember 1966
PS: I found this on Shuyi's blog. jaw drop. (I dropped my jaw a hundred times today.) It reminds me of me and my pally-wally.
...someone who didn't really know me. I am labelled under lost; but yet it's still so scary -it's not about stuff we gossip about- but I wanted to try and see. See if it was safe to go on But it's still so terrifying. Because I'm afraid of rejection. You shouldn't base on one other's judgement. --Being nice once isn't being nice forever. If one day it ends today . . . Would it hurt?
When it hurts, it hurts darn deep. Until everything grows so dull . You don't know what you do, don't know what you feel and every step is a wrong one There are no pins on the ground but only dust And you'd leave traces behind (that's what they call evidence) -You know you're doomed. Just wander in your mind, but nothing really gets in... And you question yourself You wonder where you are And that someone in the corner not listening and everyone else thinks You're just another fool.
If everyday I can walk home from Liang Court to see this sky, life would be so much better. (:
PS: After I transferred the photo into my computer then I realised that the photo is quite interesting. On the left side you can see some traditional-looking buildings while on the right side there are some futuristic tops of a restaurant. x)
It's been more than a week and I haven't watched 「クロサギ」! Because the raw version didn't come out with soft subs.
I feel like I haven't blogged in ages. ...and somebody stop me from changing layouts.
A few days ago we had this council nominees Q&A session to see who was going to run for the student council this year. Hmm. It didn't really help me learn more about the nominees. So I voted for three only.
And then during the session we suddenly launched into this debate over whether the Year Ones show respect for the year twos or not. ...I think I sound immature saying this but I don't like this year's J1s. By saying we should show them respect first, they are saying that we don't respect them FIRST, so they are not showing us respect in return. Why can't it be the other way round?
Then there was this guy who said it's not about Year one or two, but everyone should show respect regardless of level. Eyy but then the next speaker said the LIT j1 wasn't at fault because he didn't target it specifically at J2s, but at anyone who passed by. Then what about the mutual respect regardless of level?!
Then that nominee accused us of stereotyping when he asked for an example himself. Actually he can just ask anybody in that lecture hall for an example of rude J1s. Even outside of school they aren't exactly very nice people. Me and VK were at みせ and we saw this group of Year One j-pop fans. I kind of wanted to know them better because there aren't a lot of fans in our school but then they were darn rude and I didn't want to know them anymore. Pooh they acted like nobody was in the store.
I guess I'm being very unfair to not like the j1s just because of some/several students but they represent their level and they spoilt their levels image, so...
...by a little girl who drinks black coffee but appears childish.
…darkest shade of eyerings in the morning. …crappiest jokes that make no sense during lessons. …trying to do homework during lunch breaks. …pretending to have a toe injury to wear slippers to school because her shoes have gone all wet in the storm. …instant noodles for lunch. …mixture of ribena, green tea and coffee. …cold dinner every tuesday at 11pm. …has a violent tendency to physically abuse the computer so that she doesn't have to update the website :P …whines a lot. …and I do mean A LOT. …is in love with the Five Foot Way poster. It's awesome. (:
…Is wishing that there's another cup of coffee waiting for her tomorrow.
…is really plunging into violent tendencies if she doesn'thave the time to draw, write, and sew.
This single was out two months ago but I only heard it yesterday. Made me fall back in love with Janne Da Arc's songs. I got a shock when I saw the girl who acted as Kotani Nobuko (Nobuta wo Produce) in the PV. (Eh she's the same age ! 1988-produce. :D) x) It turns out that it's because this song was sung for the movie 『Hirakata』, and that girl acts in it. (: This song is a nice twist from the usual rock they sing.
Literally read, "Banzai" simply means "ten thousand years"; but a battle-cry is different in kind from ordinary verbalization. Any battle-cry says nothing more than "Wah"; which unlike Banzai, has no meaning whatsoever. But just because it has no meaning, the sound of "Wah" is pregnant with inexpressibly deep feeling.
...While one still retains sufficient rationality to use words that have a meaning, one cannot be said to have reached the point of whole- or single-heartedness. No such rational element remains in a battle-cry. A battle-cry says "Wah." And in that "Wah" there is neither bad taste nor good sense. There is neither reality nor irreality. There is neither falsehood nor compromise. There's "Wah" and nothing else.
His birthday falls on a Monday on the day before I usually do homework. (But yesterday I spent it crying over Nino's Drama SP xD and reading up on the Communist Manifesto.) GAHHH. But I'll make a belated drawing, 約束よ!
つよし、 Keep on drawing. Keep on singing. Keep on bowling.
Eh I have an obsession with these. Quanmin showed me this. An alternative reading about ISFJ. Click the link below to read more. (: Ultimately there are some things that are not true about me but most of it is.