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...

2007'02.04
...i've moved.

I will still be keeping this blog, though. (:
スポンサーサイト

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moving?

2007'01.31
...should I move to Livejournal?

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lazy days.

2007'01.20

Lazy Days by ~Rebellious-Phoenix on deviantART

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the mushroom cottage.

2007'01.16

The Mushroom Cottage by ~Rebellious-Phoenix on deviantART

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wish i could be;

2006'12.27

Sketchbook - 4 - Ariel by ~Rebellious-Phoenix on deviantART

Wheeeeee I finished this today. (: Ariel in a musical composed by Sebastian. ((: Was just a random idea. x)

Going off to shower now.

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frame by frame.

2006'12.24
Is it safe now?
Try and stop me.
-'Closing In'; Imogen Heap.

ps: GOMEN! To Vicky and Ruby, for not meeting you two because something cropped up. :(

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they are calling from across a distant shore;

2006'12.14
The Shores of the Swilly - Sinead O'Connor

By the shores of the Swilly, two children at play
The king of the castle, the queen of the may
Just me and my sister, in a world of pretend
Where the sun would keep shining, the day never end

By the shores of the Swilly, now with kids of our own
Another year over, and see how they've grown
Then we'd watch the last sunset, and walk arm in arm
Till I see you next summer; God keep you from harm
And if I was a flier who crashed now and then,
she would put me together and fly me again.

And if I was a flier who crashed now and then,
she would put me together and fly me again.
By the shores of the Swilly, with an aching inside
I'll watch as her body is raised from the tide
Her life has been taken, and I'll never know why
but I feel in that moment, a part of me died

-to my grandmother, and to "Eomer".

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the last night.

2006'11.26


L'Ultima Notte - Josh Groban

Chissa perche stai li cosi
con queglie occhi fissi su di me
vedrai che poi me passera
e che non m'aspettavo
Questa follia

Fingero mi abituero
Continuero in silenzio senza te

Solo resto coi ricordi
Domani tutto finira
Ma adesso resta qui
Qui con me perche sara
L'ultima notte insieme a te


Vedrai vedrai si aggiustera
Ora fa un po' male ma se ne adra
I sogni de eternita
Sono i piu duri da
Gettare via

Solo resto coi ricordi
Domani tutto finira
Ma adesso resta qui
Qui con me perche sara
L'ultima notte insieme a te

Seguiro sopportero
Questo gran dolore senza te

Solo resto coi ricordi
Domani tutto finira
Ma adesso resta qui
Qui con me perche sara
L'ultima notte insieme a te

Questa qui sara
L'ultima notte insieme
A te

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when every town looks just the same;

2006'11.19

Adult onlies see that the experience of growing up as the only child has given them many positive qualities. They're capable, reliable, a good friend to others, sensitive, thoughtful, considerate, organised and responsible. And some themes have emerged very clearly too.

As children, most wanted more children to play with and were fascinated by larger families. Very few rebelled in their teenage years.

The intensity of the child/parent relationship, its potential invasiveness and lack of privacy has often led to feelings being locked inside. As adults, many have difficulty now expressing deep feelings in close relationships. Despite the independent image, they are still emotionally dependent on parents, or their memory.

An issue that looms large for everyone who has not already lost both parents is the loss of the last one, leaving them alone with no one, with whom to share family history.

The loneliness of the only child comes full circle.


[http://www.onlychild.icom43.net/]


Only child have this tendency to have just a few close friends and do not have as socially intense lives as others. It's true that maybe we suffer no less or no more than the people with siblings, but in this world where the world is cruel and would possibly leave one alone, it's terrifying for only child to think that they might be abandoned and left alone to the world one day.

Why do you envy us as only child(s)? I have heard so many people tell me, "You are so lucky! You are an only child! You can have everything you want! You don't need to fight with your sibling!" Does that really sound so fortunate? Actually, some of us secretly think the opposite, we think siblings are blessings. So what if they piss you off for stupidly minor things? At the end of the day, there's still someone there. But when you're an only child, all the gold and diamonds in the world won't replace that loneliness. Then tell me, what's so good about material gains? When your parents don't understand, who do you talk to? Of course there are friends, but they are not immediately there, and to throw every single thing on them, isn't that unfair?

So can you all just stop saying "you are so lucky because you are an only child"? Are we so lucky? I'm not saying that having siblings is lucky, but that it's a little bit more comforting to know that you have other people there along with you.

Oh this is darn funny xD

HAHA. There are other funnier ones such as the Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin ones.. "Get your own room." LOL.

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everyone needs to be loved;

2006'11.13


I LOVE YOU.
to all the homo sapiens (and aliens) in 05A1. (:

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it doesn't matter if you fall;

2006'11.02
img187.jpg
* read it from right to left.

"So what if you fall down?
You can still stand up again, isn't that a good thing?
When you fall down, look at the sky
The seemingly endless blue sky is above you
Can you see it smiling at you?
I'm stil alive."

-木藤亜也

I cried when I read this in 「一公升の眼涙」。 (Sorry for the lousy translation, but if you understand Chinese, then fantastic, ignore the translation! )

GP was an entire flop! That must have been the worst AQ I have ever done in my life. But it is over. Our next war is on next week's Friday, prepare your guns PENS!!!

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命の意味?助けて下さい!

2006'11.02
I'm getting cold hands and cold feet. I don't know what's going to happen after this whole struggle is over. I try to tell myself, there are other things I can do even if after the effort, I don't make it through. (I hope I do make it through, of course.) A certificate isn't everything, money isn't everything. But no matter what I tell myself, I know that deep down inside, I am not so flexible and open-minded.

I don't want to think that I have wasted 12 years of studying. I want to tell myself that it was a very amazing experience because throughout, I had the chance to study my favourite subject, Literature. And my feelings about Literature being my life has never changed.

And I want to pursue it. I want to go deeper into books. But this strange 'new' world is so obsessed with a piece of laminated paper that we have all forgotten the joy of studying. We are like loyal fans (to put it in a nice way) of glossy, "majestic" certificates which we wear as our masks. When we glue it to our faces, no, we NAIL it to our faces, people drool and go, "Ooooh you're an extremely intelligent person right?" And of course, the grades and quality of masks vary.

In any case,
翔ちゃん、やまぴ、けいいちゃん、お願い!Please pass your べんきょう spirit to me!!

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you are loved, don't give up.

2006'11.01


You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) -Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I,
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well, I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because
You Are Loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside, I'll,
I'll be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you, I,
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well, I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because
You Are Loved

(You Are Loved)
You Are Loved
(You Are Loved)
Aaaaaahhhhh

Don't give up
(Don't give up)
It's just the weight of the world
(You Are Loved)

Don't give up
(Don't give up)
Everyone needs to be heard
(Don't give up)

You Are Loved
(You Are Loved)
(Don't give up)

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here, there must be something here;

2006'10.30
Baker Baker
baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and I wonder
what's in a day
what's in you cake this time?

-'Baker Baker' by Tori Amos

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learn to be lonely.

2006'10.26


Learn To Be Lonely - Minnie Driver
(From The Phantom of the Opera 2004 OST)

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you,
comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
life can be lived
life can be loved
Alone.

Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye.

('Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again' - The Phantom of the Opera)

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nobody. is. home.

2006'10.26
i think if you lost me you wouldn't care.

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there are no rules.

2006'10.24
Why don't they have guidelines for socialising?
I think I just pissed everyone off these few days.

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in my eyes you do no wrong;

2006'10.22

Josh Groban performs "You're Still You" on Ally McBeal.

Lip-sync, but LOL extremely adorable peformance! My favourite male singer! :D New album release on November 7th. Can't wait. (:

...you know what I currently wish to learn to do? I want to learn to know what I can share in conversations, and what I do not have to share. I want to know how to chat without making constant reference to myself and my worries. I need to stop bitching about others to my friends, and I desperately want to know if we don't talk about people, what else we can talk about. :(

Because every time I share my own problem with someone else, I feel so selfishly self-centered.

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when there are clouds in the sky you'll get by;

2006'10.17


SMILE - Josh Groban

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile
And maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

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things you should know about an ISFJ girl.

2006'10.17
"Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice." (http://typelogic.com/isfj.html)

While this stands true, nobody ever told you that
an ISFJ girl bears grudges if you've hit some spot in her heart.
Everyone expects the ISFJ girl, who "prove[s] over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty" to be the sweet, tolerant girl who SHOULD not voice out ugly opinions or lash out hurtful remarks about others.

Yes we are mean, we cannot let go, we cannot forgive (at least not easily). To tell the truth, I have never forgiven countless people. So you thought Sylvia was such a nice, forgiving girl!

It's tiring to bear grudges, so you ask me, why do I stupidly bear them? Like all other fools who have given the same excuse, this is me, and I have tried letting go but I couldn't. I have a secret desire inside, just like Pip (Great Expectations), to pay back, to take revenge, on the people who have hurt me. Why do you have to take me like I HAVE to be nice, because I have given you a chance and shown you I CAN be nice?

It's tiring to be fake and put on a happy smile and act all sweet when I don't mean it, but it's equally tiring to confront the issue harshly, so what should I do? Confront in a soft manner? Sorry, but I've learnt and learnt again and again that this is a stupid way to handle things because the world isn't all nice, really. It's tiring to be harsh, because after being all sweet to everyone and saying "It's okay" a million times and above, you form an expectation and worry for yourself that you need to be approved by others, to let others realise how nice you are, how beautiful you are. And then when you reveal what you think, people immediately say you're ugly without having known the truth. Then you have to learn to accept the fact that you just shattered your pretty reputation and you can't please half the population.

Thanks for calling me a bitch, and you are not forgiven. I don't accept apologies. What you've said is done and already done. It's what you meant, and you couldn't control it. It's your right to call me whatever you want. In your eyes I am a bitch. But I cannot tell you if I really am one.

Use me, abuse me, and you never learn. Ten years down the road, I bet I can still recite the list of people whom I bear grudges against. You think I'm cruel, I can't let go. TEACH me how to, for I cannot see the path before which I must take.

Now it comes to saying this, I have something else to comment about. In case anyone says then why did I tell a certain someone to change when I don't know how to change myself? Guess what, don't tell me we never told a certain someone what we felt could be learnt and improved on,but someone didn't take the hint. It wasn't even a hint, it was an outright honest comment. But obviously, no matter how many times the cycle repeats, someone just doesn't learn. You don't even care. You just say sorry and think that that will end everything. You said you tried to change, every single time this topic is brought up, but when we ask you, "What have you changed?" all you can do is smoke a lousy cigarette and tell us, "I did change a bit." but you have not answered our question. That's because you have no answers. Where's your trying?

Yes I sound harsh, but do you want to live in a world where I cheat your feelings and behind your back, I spit and curse?

And in case the scenario repeats like that girl who called me autistic which I haven't forgave and whom I wish I could slap, I tell you now I did NOT mention names in the post and thus you cannot say I was referring to you unless you were guilty of it.

I'm really tired, but all you can see is that you want me to fulfil your expectations. I don't forgive easily. But when I do, it means that you mean A WHOLE LOT to me. Among the list, I think I have only ever forgiven one person. The croo-croo-jer. Ha.

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卒業の日

2006'10.14


The bizzare mix of kids in 05A1. (:
Song: COSMOS - Spitz

edit: (found this on Siti's blog, so I went on YouTube to look for it.)


the low self-esteem in girls.

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dedicated to VANESSA (;

2006'10.11


MAPLE TREE
lyric & music by Masamune Kusano
(translation from: http://www.aoihayashi.com/spitz/spitz.html)

I won't forget even as time flows
our mischievous arguments
even my thorned heart
will be small and unimportant if you just smiled

from the hole we took turns peeking through
I wonder what could we see?
even though there were dreams
that we couldn't fulfill alone

good bye, embracing your voice I'll keep walking
ah.. I wonder how far can I get just as I am

I've been searching until the day I met you
those words that become nostalgic
beyond the glass
those stippling clouds had scattered until that day

with spirits so light
that seems could be blown away by the wind
though I believed in happiness just like everyone else

from now on even if I get hurt or hurt someone else
ah.. I wonder how far can I get just as I am

the long flickering season had come
names we used to call each other start echoing
can you hear it?


The brave little girl whom I'm proud of. :D

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great expectations;

2006'10.01
Why do you put such expectations into me? Why am I expected to be nice to you? Why am I expected to know what I should do just like everyone else? Why am I not forgiven if I am clueless? It's so tiring, sometimes I feel like I just want to be alone so I don't need to think so much about what I do.

I don't want to live up to what you define as 'Sylvia' and then when expectations come crashing down I am just a piece of shit.

And YOU. You think you can push me over. In fact you think you can push everybody over. Don't use your games, it doesn't work anymore.

Then you, you, you and you. And the list goes on forever.

You see, being nice does not pay. It will only serve to make others build up their expectations of you, and you will realise one day, you're so tired from all the things you need to do.

And we should stop wasting our breath and shut up because nobody believes our words. It never matters what we meant from our actions. It only matters what our actions appeared to convey to that person and he/she will believe nothing else than what he/she wants to believe. Because we're all just pieces of shit, so of course our words are shit, right?

"Don't be so naive,
We believe what we want to believe."
-'Stories', Forbidden City

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the little mermaid: ariel

2006'09.21

drawn by me. (: New markers.
Larger version here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/40159813/

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is it too late.

2006'09.11

I have the most amazing calendar which predicts my mindset or mood every single month.

Everything I've done, has only made me more ashamed of who I am. I can't think of a moment where I was never embarrassed by my actions. Sometimes I feel so lousy I feel like I don't deserve any love from anybody.

I have been dreaming of things lately and it bothers me a whole lot. They are very random people in my dream who make me feel inferior, who make me feel unloved, who make me feel like I'm such an idiot who should never be loved, who should be thrown to a corner and left alone. And for the past two days I've been feeling so lousy, I don't know what's wrong with me.

When will I get out of the dark room? Maybe it's even darker out there.

Save that one glance for me.
But I know you wouldn't even know I was there.
Because I'm just that grey pillar right beside.

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tear in your hand;

2006'09.09

-photo from gettyimages.

All the world is
All I am
The black of the the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You dont know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

Maybe its time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

I realise I haven't spoken to Vicky and Resha in months. I miss you girls. I wonder if everything is okay. In a matter of months everything seems to have changed. I've lost contact with a lot of people. And I guess it's my fault because I didn't do my utmost best to contact them. I really don't know how I've been filling in the gaps every day. All I remember are Robespierre and Arcite and Palamon now.

Give me a sign to tell me you're okay. It's frightening to realise that I'm not assured that you all are doing great out there. I'm sorry for the neglect, but I haven't forgotten you all. I miss our times together online and also when you (Resha) came to visit Singapore. Miss fangirling with you all.

And not forgetting Kelly Tammy, Sky, Vanessa, Di-chan (nichi!), Lina, Deborah, Manfa, among many others, and even seeing Orenji at work. x) Maybe one day we'll meet in Japan, haha. ((:

I want to talk about Ken-Ken (Piiiii). And Endlicheri-san. And Keii-chan. And Massu's huge 笑顔!! And so many others more. Which I haven't done in ages. But it's amazing I'm still holding on. I guess it's because of you all. :D

And how long since I last visited MISE?!! In a way, yeah, I don't spend money lol, but it's really.... sad. ):

I feel like nearing the end, thinking back entirely on the past two years inside and outside school is a bit too overwhelming.

青空ペダル - 嵐
きっと塗りすぎた色って 白に戻れないけど
それでいい 新しい色で明日を描こう
(even though the page won't be white again with so many colours painted over it,
that's okay, we'll just paint a new colour over tomorrow.)

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君が好き。

2006'09.07
the Romantic

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"


Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me
-Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me. -Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
-Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
-Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
-Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!


What I Like About Being a Four
-my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
-my ability to establish warm connections with people
-admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
-my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor (haha bleahhh.)
-being unique and being seen as unique by others
-having aesthetic sensibilities
-being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four
-experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
-feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
-feeling guilty when I disappoint people

-feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
-expecting too much from myself and life
-fearing being abandoned
-obsessing over resentments

-longing for what I don't have


Fours as Children Often
-have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
-are very sensitive
-feel that they don't fit in

-believe they are missing something that other people have
-attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

-become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
-feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents
-help their children become who they really are
-support their children's creativity and originality
-are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
-are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
-are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

More on Wikipedia.
(The "parents don't understand me" part is not exactly true.)
I scored 99% higher than my age group for my options. o_O;

Take the test: [CICK HERE]
Only two questions. =| Anybody got a more specific one?

...in other words I am Byron and Benwick.

(I replied everyone here: comment 1008)

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by your side.

2006'08.30


-Scanned from NANA, volume 7.

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許さない !

2006'08.20
TAKUMI 去死吧 !!

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don't want to.

2006'08.19
WHY.
I hate you.
to have said what you said.
to have felt what you felt.
to know me.
but not encourage me.
but made me feel like...

...I want to kill myself.

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